I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
