I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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