Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
