the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
