Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
