So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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