I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
