In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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