the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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