Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
