Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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