dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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