Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
