I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
