If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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