I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
