OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
