mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
mondays should just be called national damage control day
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
