Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The feeling are messing with the penis
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
