Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
