if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
