Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
