What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
