She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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