1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
