Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
