we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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