You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize