You don't have asthma, your pregnant
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
