capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
