I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
