yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
