Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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