Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
