I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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