You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So here I am, sexting at work.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
