we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
