Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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