I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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