I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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