So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
