is your mom at the bar?
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
