That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
