I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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