your thong is hanging out like whoa
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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