he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
