Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
