So drunk its hurt
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
barbara walters just said penis...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
