This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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