a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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