dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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