1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
