Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
