I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
