Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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