My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
