Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
